It’s been a while now, close to three months since I went off the rails.
I think I’m in the dip. It took me a while longer to get here than it did last time. Usually when you start getting back on track there’s this euphoric state that lasts for a couple of weeks before everything balances and you just feel normal.
After you feel normal, that’s when you start to feel lost. My question is then “What Now”?
What Now
Is this me now? I ask the question all the time. Is this it? Have I done my dash or can I give myself another chance?
I’m questioning myself on this every day. All the time.
One day it just kept buzzing around in my head, carving a well worn track in the forest of my mind. At one point I caught myself thinking about it unconsciously. As a test I decided to give myself an answer, just to shut up the question.
That answer was no, this is not me now. Instantly the buzzing stopped, the track overgrown. A weight was lifted.
I’m doing the work. I’ll find my way back.
Back To The Dip
Yep, back to the dip. As best I can figure out, I’m grieving. That’s what it feels like every day. I took something and broke it, now I spend every other day talking to my psychologist, or in relationship counselling, or talking to someone else, or exploring myself.
I’m working hard but no-one can tell. Most of the time I’m overwhelmed with the things I need to do, the things I have committed to do, and the things I want to do. My days are full but I’m bored, quite often lonely even with people around.
Today I’m short on sleep, have been for a few days now. That could be contributing. Yeah, that’s contributing. I get up early, but then stay up late for my partner.
Still making bad choices.
Not selfish enough.
Still have trouble saying no.
Still wondering why Mum never calls.
Still haven’t called her to ask why.
Still bored.
Surely, it’s just a phase.